We’ve all been there. The day has unfolded in completely unforeseen ways and now you’re being hunted down like a stray dog, and the odds are hopelessly against you.
Now you find yourself at a fork in the road of destiny, and you’re left with two equally difficult choices. The first choice: turn and face the enemy, ensuring certain oblivion.
The second choice is to run. Run fast, and run hard. To get the hell away to in hopes of living another day unshackled by the tyranny of those who seek to destroy your way of life. Suddenly, the choice becomes all too easy, and you jump in the steel-clad beast of your choice and bury the throttle.
But now what? With the numbers stacked against you, your only hope is to constantly stay one step ahead of your adversaries. And so, freedom fighter, here’s Spike’s Top Ten Ways to Ditch the Bad Guys.
10. Hide Under a Semi Truck Trailer
Ya, it’s a bit dodgy, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Hopefully you’re driving a lowered car, because otherwise things could get a bit messy. Definitely for highway use only, as you’re going to have to match the speed of the semi truck very closely to avoid having your ride bare a sudden resemblance to a crushed beer can. None the less, when used properly, it can really turn the tables for you.
9. Use Traffic to Your Advantage
A high speed chase on busy surface streets can be daunting proposition, but if you play your cards right, you can make this work in your favor. Since you’re the one with nothing to lose, showcase your brass balls by driving like you don’t care if you live or die. Thread the needle, drive on the wrong side of the road, and most importantly, create obstacles. The bad guys probably have less invested in the situation than you do, so they won’t be as likely to launch into oncoming traffic at 70mph or throw their car sideways into a busy intersection. And since you’re the first one through the gauntlet, you’ll probably leave a trail of carnage and debris that they’ll have to slowly negotiate while your awesome-meter is going off the charts down the road.
8. Drive Where They Won't
Can't lose them in the endless stretches of New Mexico highway? Pull a move a la Vanishing Point and drive straight into the desert. Nobody wants to get stranded in the vast expanses of the desert, but again, you’ve got nothing to lose, so hopefully you’ll come across a crazy guy who sells snakes to cults. Happens every day.
7. Utilize Divine Intervention
When you have a holier-than-thou goal, the impossible can become reality. Jake and Elwood realized this early on, and used this special circumstance to great effect, as dozens upon dozens of Illinois’ finest fell by the wayside during their epic journey to save their only home from certain destruction.
Otherwise unattainable feats like backflips, drawbridge launches, spontaneously doomed Nazis, and driving at triple digit speeds with a thrown rod are possible when you have a purpose greater than saving your own ass.
6. Deploy the Turbo Boost!
Now I haven’t experienced this one first hand, but it appears the Hoff’s Trans Am has a Turbo Boost button which also deploys a launch ramp directly in front of it, which appears to work out great and seems really convenient. So, if you’ve got one of these buttons, I suggest you just keep pressing it constantly until the bad guys aren’t in your rear view mirror anymore.
5. Become Immune to the P.I.T. Maneuver
P.I.T. stands for Precision Immobilization Technique, and it’s a move often used by members of law enforcement to quickly disorient drivers and disable their vehicles by pushing the car sideways, which is executed by ramming into the car at rear quarter panel, forcing the vehicle into a spin. However, you can turn the tables on the bad guys by learning how to use the PIT maneuver to do sweet 360 spins on the freeway while the world watches at home. It may not lose the bad guys, but it will definitely endear you to the hearts of millions.
4. Drive on Two Wheels
While opportunities to deploy this method are somewhat rare, when properly executed, it basically ensures you’re home free. Obviously the first thing to look for is a narrow alleyway, or perhaps two dump trucks parked sideways across a street with a small gap between them. Once you’ve found a similar scenario, keep an eye out for a ramp-like structure to prop your car up on two wheels with. If one isn’t readily available, you can try oversteering at low speed to get the car rolling the deuce. This works best with a Suzuki Samurai.
3. Transform Your Car Into Something Other Than a Car
The James Bond movies of the 70s really capitalized on this one. From flying AMC Matadors to a submarine Lotus, there’s no telling what Bond cars are capable of. And before you go crying to your mama about how “there’s no such thing as a submarine car!”, take a look at this badboy. This method pretty much guarantees a safe getaway, as well as the priceless look on your pursuers faces as you literally fly (or dive) off into the sunset.
2. Beat the Train
Time and time again, this one pays off in spades. Of course, the risks are high, but you’re in it to win it, right? Think of the train as a mobile road block, and use it to your advantage. Beating the train should provide you with at least a 30 second lead over the bad guys, which gives you plenty of time to blend into traffic. Of course, if you miss your chance, you can always improvise like Hoff would:
1. Jump Something
The oldest trick in the book is still the best trick in the book. Never mind the catastrophic damage this will do to your car; harnessing pure, uncut kickass will surely see you through this one. Keep an eye out for bridge construction, ravines, steep streets, semi trucks hauling car carriers, and so on. Sometimes you can even destroy whatever it is you’re jumping off of in the process of jumping it, thereby rendering it useless for the bad guys, forcing them to abandon the chase. Now you’re home free. And don’t worry about that crazy noise coming from the front of the car - it’s just the sound of the oil pan scraping on the ground now that your suspension is completely obliterated!
So there it is. No need to thank us, we're here to help. You should take note that the most advanced students of this art (like the Hoff) utilize many of these techniques at the same time to better their odds even more, and you'd do well to follow suit. Godspeed, freedom fighter!
