Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the air after a minor setback (more specifically a rollicking racist tirade). Naysayers will suggest that he is a crass showman, a (giant, blonde, leathery) talking head. They're wrong. He's a Texas-style felon-wrangler, which is why I love watching him beat up criminals. But, there is a softer side to Dog. Having been a fan from day one and a 2-time reader of his autobiography "You Can Run But You Can't Hide," I can tell you that his story is a complicated one - an epic poem - that I'm about to tell in his own words.
Primary Education
Dog started young and badly
I didn't have enough money
to buy glue, so Paul and I stole it.
I was born with an innate knowledge of picking locks.
It was a great skill to have at that age, especially
when I needed to get high.
Biker Gang Genesis
Then he joined a biker gang.
"Chapman, you're a god
damned Bible-thumper.
I've got a great idea for your nickname."
Seems all bikers had to have a nickname
if they were going to be a part of the club. ,
"I think we're gonna call you Dog. That's God
spelled backwards."
Women of Negotiable Affections
Then he had some fun.
The judge set bail at fifty thousand dollars each.
There was no way I was getting out of jail. As it was,
my job barely paid me enough to cover my bills. I tried
to make extra money by renting a room to women, but I always
ended up sleeping with them
before I could collect the rent.
Oops, I Murdered a Guy (Kinda)
Then, he was in a gang that killed a guy, but didn't do the killin'.
It didn't take the jury very long
to make their decision. Within a few
hours of adjourning to deliberate,
they returned with their verdict:
Guilty of first-degree murder.
Going to Jail Blows a Bag of Dicks
Dog is tough, but it turns out that jail is a good deal tougher.
My own father said -
you can't get a drivers license,
you can't vote, you might as well burn
your birth certificate. I had one person
that thought I could be something
- that was my mother.
Kicking Ass for a Living
Jail, however, is slightly less tough than your average bail jumper. Dog finds his calling.
"Jesus Christ, Dog. You got him!"...
"Well there is a bondsman I'd like you to meet named Lucky.
With the way you brought Gerald in,
I can safely say he'll give you enough work chasing fugitives
to get you current in your back child support."
Soul Mates
Dog feels a different type of calling...
I first me Beth Smith
in 1988, when she
was just nineteen years old.
I was thirty-five.
I've always had a thing for smart women
- especially smart women with big tits.
Seriously? His name is Andrew Luster?
Dog became famous when he refused to stop hunting (as the U.S. government did) suspected serial rapist and heir to the Max Factor fortune, Andrew Luster.
I heard a thunderous
noise, like a stampede of wild horses.
It was the sound of Luster's bodyguards
trying to get close. It was too late.
I cuffed him, stood up, and said "You are under
arrest in the name of the United States government
and Mexico!"
Hey! Hi, Muther******
Dog caught Luster because he's a good bounty hunter. See? This is what he says to people who run.
Hey! Hi. So where you at? You know what
Muther******? I'm gonna file bond jumping on you,
you 9mm packing ice head. If you wanna
stay out of jail buddy, you better fucking show up
right now with your old lady.
Yeah, listen, we gotcha... you know what muther******?
You better come right now muther****** tweak.
Bad Strategery
Dog's son taped a phone conversation they had about his girlfriend. Dog is not always as articulate as above, and leadership doesn't always equate to eloquence.
I'm not taking a chance
on some motherfucker up here whether
she's a Mexican and a whore...whatever,
and it's not because she's black.
It's because we use the word ‘nigger' sometimes here.
I'm not going to take a chance ever in life
of losing everything I had because some fucking nigger
heard us say nigger and turned us in.
Back in the Saddle
But, I tell ya what, he makes A&E a lot of money so he's back on air. Also, I kinda don't think he meant any offense. He's just a big, politically incorrect teddy bear...with a permanent sunburn.
Once the Mexico problem was over, it was a huge relief
and freed me up to focus on the book.
Also, people were always asking me,
"Who are you? Why is your name Dog? How'd you become a bounty hunter?
Why were you in jail?"
There were all these questions that I spent hours
and hours explaining the answers to, and so I realized
it was better to just write it down.
All Dog's wisdom can be found here and in his book.
